I am often asked what got me interested in becoming a pornstar.  I’ve often thought about why… I mean really why I got into all this, thinking maybe there’s some subconscious reason, some childhood trauma that was so awful that I’ve blockd it out of my memories, some early exposure to this, or that… and I always seem to come up with the same things.  It’s just who I am.

I actually had a really great childhood.  I grew up in a fairly rural neighbourhood, we had our own house, with a pool on a street with many other young families.  Our neighbours all knew each other, and frequently had “street parties” where they’d get permission from the city to close the street down for the afternoon while we had a pig & corn roast, played waterballon toss and egg toss, had three legged races, watermelon eating contest and the annual bike parade, where all the kids would dress up their bicycles or tricycles with streamers and ribbon, and don costumes and ride up and down the street while the adults watched, cheered and threw candy at us! Some of my favorite memories are of these parties.

Aside from our close-knit community, I went to a good catholic school whose school trips included going to the Stratford Shakespeare Festival – North America’s largest classical repertory theatre, presenting the works of William Shakespeare and other great writers.  I’ve had many opportunities to explore art, music, drama, and anything else I have desired.  While my parents were never wealthy, by any means, they both had jobs, and we lived comfortably.  So maybe we didn’t go to disneyworld every year, or take extravagent family vacations in the caribbean: but we were happy.  My parents, unlike many of my friends’ parents, were still together…in fact, they still are to this day.  They would have disagreements, but they sat down and talked about them, they never fought, at least not that I ever saw.  Life was good.

Now, there are a couple of events that I can think of that might have contributed to my sexual inclination.  When I was fairly young, maybe 7 or 8, I found a magazine in the basement buried among all my dad’s car magazines, that had a naked woman on the front.  I flipped through the pages, and saw some hardcore pics, all solo shots, but they were naked and showcasing their most intimate parts… I was very curious, but didn’t really know what to make of it.  I decided I’d keep it my secret for a while and figure out more about it later.  I’d revisit the magazine from time to time, looking at the pictures, trying to make heads or tails of it, and I even brought my best over to show it to her.  We looked over each picture, not really understanding, but enjoying every minute of it, and when we were done, she said to come to her house, she wants to show me something.  So off we went.

She proceeded to pull a book off the shelf called “The Joy of Sex” which contained many illustrations of naked men and women, performing sexual acts on each other.  She then asked if I wanted to try it with her, what they were doing in the pictures.  So we went downstairs to her basement, and pulled out her costume trunk.  We dressed like cowboy and Indian princess, climbed into bed under the covers, took our underwear off and scissored our legs together like in the photos, and sat there like that.  Since we had only seen photos, we didn’t know that there was movement involved, so we just sat there still, wondering what it was supposed to do or how it was supposed to feel.  I felt naughty know that what we were doing was wrong, but I didn’t know why, and I didn’t feel anything other than that.   We continued our get togethers at her house like that for a while, calling ourselves the ‘costume club,’ and posting a note on the basement door saying not to disturb our official club meetings.  We’d dress up in different costumes that depicted a male-female dynamic, and put our bodies together like we saw in the pictures.   It was exciting, but short-lived.  My mom found the magazine at my house and said it was an old magazine that my father had from his college days and didn’t know it was still here, and that I need not worry myself with it.  My friend also found that her parents had moved the book we had so fondly flipped through during our ‘costume club’ meetings.

After that, a year or two went by, and I’d forgotten all about our costume club, the magazine and the book, one night, while having a sleepover, a girlfriend of mine and I decided to watch some TV late at night, since we were still awake.  We turned it on and found on of those late night ‘baby blue’ movies on.  It was intriguing.  We watched for a minute or so, and after becoming aroused (but not knowing that was what was happening) we soon discovered that we both ‘had to pee’ – so we turned it off, and went to pee.  We never brought it up again, but I was fascinated.  I would regularly sneak out of my bedroom at night to go check out these late night movies.   I still wish I could find the first movie I remember bits and pieces from.  In one scene, a girl in in a little boat at night, rowing down a river, peeping on a man across the way who is welding.  She’s watching his rippling muscles and getting all excited.  Later on, we see her taking a shower, and once out of the shower, climbing into bed and masturbating while having flashbacks of the man who was welding.  I have often built that story up in my mind, and added all sorts of things to the plot.  Maybe one of these days I should write it out as erotic fiction.

So time goes on, I start to grow up, and I discover masturbation for myself one day.  I give myself an orgasm, and I’m hooked! Every chance I got, I’d have my hands down my pants.  In the bathtub, in my bed at night, in the bathroom when I excuse myself from the dinner table, when no one is looking in the pool… any chance I’d get.

Fast-Forward to high-school.  I start noticing boys, and despite my societally taught idea that homosexuality is wrong, I was also noticing the girls.  I decided to keep that one to myself, however.  I was quite an outcast in highschool.  I didn’t really have any friends – they all used me, and ordered me around, and made fun of me – so I stayed mostly solitary, and devoted most of my time to my music.  Up until high-school I had been a violin player, but in high-school I discovered the clarinet, and it’s been one of my true loves, my passions, ever since.   One of the few friends I did have, a neighbourhood girl who rode the bus with me, who was also in the band, I had told about my crush on one of the trumpet players, and how I wanted to give him my virginity.  I was immediately chastised, told how wrong it was, how I’d be throwing my life away, how I wasn’t even dating this guy, let alone married to him – which in the catholic faith is necessary for sex (not that I believed in my family’s faith – but that’s another story), and how the guy didn’t even know I existed, and I didn’t want to become a slut, and on, and on, and on she went.

I didn’t see a thing wrong with it.  I still don’t.  But at that very moment I decided that my sexual interests must be kept to myself, because then I would guarantee I’d never be accepted by my peers, and I already had a long way to go without the extra hassle.  Little did I know that it would have been much easier to just forget them, and love myself because I was a pretty amazing girl – and I didn’t need their negative influence in my life.  Sometimes I chuckle, wondering what they’d all say if they saw me now.

So moving along, past highschool, and on to college… I get a second chance to be who I want to be, and start again, laving highschool in the past.  I’m excited to start my life, and so I do.

To be continued…

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