I posed a question the other day on a few of my social networking profiles asking men this question: Would you take a girl to bed on the first night you met her?
I was surprised at just how many responses were ‘no!’ How odd, I thought, because from a girl’s perspective, all I ever heard in school, college, even in the workplace (back when I used to be a desk-jockey!) was how studly it was for guys to meet girls, and bring them home on the first night. In fact, they were looked down on if they ‘failed,’ so to speak. Sure, that was high-school mentality and I’m talking about (hopefully) mature adults now. Living my life the way I do, and having already overcome the wraths of societal programming and peer pressure and other people’s expectations, it’s hard for me to remember thinking any other way, but as clear as day, the answers to my question have spoken for themselves. Many people still live like this, and not only that, they are quick to explain and defend their choices without really thinking about why. Religious reasons aside, (because I will not debate about the irrationality of blind faith. Will not.) let’s explore the reasons guys will say no to first night nookie.
Random hypothetical scenario #1: Say you meet a girl at a friend’s place during a party. She’s totally sexy, and totally your type. You & she hit it off, having conversation after flowing conversation about a wide variety of topics that you are both interested in. You like a lot of the same bands, are both into camping and hiking, she likes bicycles but you prefer rollerblades, whatever. The point is, you find each other attractive, you have enough in common and enough different to complement each other, and you’re totally into each other & at the end of the night she asks you to come back to her place. She’s not a crack-head, she’s not underage, and neither of you are completely wasted… so why do you say no?
“I’m trying to be a gentleman.”
“Not my style.”
“I never fuck on the first date.”
“Why rush it?”
“Good things come to those who wait.”
These are some of the typical answers, but they’re just not that deep. There’s no reason, no justification, no logic. They are all simply ‘because I said so‘ answers. I want to explore why you feel you’re being less of a gentlemen by waiting, or why it’s not your style. There’s more to it than this.
“I wouldn’t want a girl who was that easy.”
“I’m looking for more than just a fuck-buddy. You can’t really respect a fuck-buddy.”
Now we’re getting somewhere, but it goes even deeper. These answers all seem to center the problem or the hesitation on the girl. She’s too easy, she’s just a tramp, she’s not the sort of girl I can respect. These are the most common responses, and I really appreciate the guys that came forward and gave these as their reasons. I really respect their honesty. I’ll address these in a minute, but let’s hear just a couple more reasons why guys say they wont go to bed with a girl on the first night.
“If I try to get a girl to go to bed with me on the first night, I’ll end up getting ‘Last Minute Resistance. She’ll chicken out.”
“If I succeed in taking her to bed on the first night, she’ll disappear, and I’ll never see her again.”
Bingo! What these boil down to is either the girl will have her doubts about you and back out, or she’ll go for it, but never want to see you again which equates to your own feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. Add everything up and you end up with feeling either she’s not good enough or you’re not good enough. Kind of messed up, huh?
Random hypothetical scenario #2: Your best buddy, Sam, is in medical school. He’s hoping to become a world-class specialist at neurosurgery. He has an uncle that has [random incurable brain disease] and he’s determined to devote most of his life to developing better treatment and possibly a cure. Once he graduates, he’ll be flying all over the world to intern with some of the top surgeons in his field. He’s looking at at least 10 years of what most would consider a chaotic life, but he’s happy. One day he might like to have a family, but right now he’s too busy, so he’s not actively looking for ‘Mrs. Right.’ He is also not going to live celibate just because he’s not ready to have a family yet. He does the things that he wants, and looks out for his best interest, working hard and enjoying the benefits of his efforts. He vacations somewhere tropical after his year-end exams, and goes to the occasional night club or house party if he feels so inclined. Sam has a group of really close friends, both male and female, and sometimes he’ll meet a girl that he really gets along with, and they’ll end up in bed together. He’s not looking for a romantic relationship, or anything exclusive, and the girls know that, yet a lot of them will call him up from time to time for a rendezvous or sometimes just a coffee.
Sounds like a cool, level-headed guy, right? Okay, now make Sam a female. Samantha is in school just the same, same goals, same personal life, and yet if she meets a guy she really gets along with and goes to bed with him, void of a relationship or any expectation of exclusivity or future, she’s considered a tramp, easy, a slut. Sure, I know you’re thinking. In today’s day & age, women are not repressed like that anymore, and as much as I’d like to agree, for the most part women are still being judged for their decisions about sex. A woman who goes to bed with who she wants to, when she wants to, for no other reason than because she so chooses, is considered ‘easy‘. WTF? So what if she just met him earlier at a friend’s party, what’s so wrong about actively choosing to have sex with someone you want to have sex with, when you want to?
Okay, now you may be thinking, “If she was ready to go, and willing to go to bed with me so soon after we just met, then there must be something wrong with her!” Come on, guys! What is wrong with YOU?! Is it really that hard to believe that a girl is going to bed with you because she happens to find you interesting and attractive and arousing? She’s obviously rejected the norms of society, and is living an independent life, and making her own decisions, and yet you think this is a bad thing. Perhaps you are worried that your buddies will see you hooking up with that girl and scorn you for being with ‘a girl like her.’ Well think about this: if you are not wasted, and no one is forcing either of you to do anything you don’t want to, you’re using protection and playing safe, and you both want to go to bed with each other, are you really going to let your buddies tell you what to do? If your friends (or parents, or anyone’s) opinions of you matter so much that you’re going to alter your life prevent you from doing the things you want to do, that realistically are not wrong?
So lets assume you’ve liberated yourself from believing in the standards set by society, and you no longer look at these self-confident, free-thinking women as ‘too easy,’ and you are completely comfortable hooking up with a girl after you just met if the mutual interest is there…at least in theory.
Random hypothetical scenario #3: You’re back at the house party from Random hypothetical scenario #1, and you’ve been talking with this girl all evening, and are on the dance floor together, redefining ‘dirty dancing! ‘ As the night comes to a close, and she’s looking into your eyes and writhing up against you, you want to ask her to go home with you, but instead you tell her you had such a good time with her, and ask for her phone number so you can get together again sometime.
What happened? Well, the biggest reason for guys to hold out is their fears. Perhaps you worry that she’ll flat out reject you. Perhaps you think you’ll get her to the taxi & she’ll change her mind last minute and suggest she just go back to her place on her own. Maybe you feel you’ll get her all the way to your place and by the time she gets there, or once she sees your place she’ll back out. Even worse, you worry that if you do get her to bed, afterwards she’ll disappear and you’ll never hear from her again. It’s all fear.
First of all, if a girl is ‘good to go’, and hot for you (as this hypothetical girl obviously was) and you don’t act on it, or worse, suggest that you wait, or tell her you don’t have sex that fast, you’re rejecting her. Even if you want to take her phone number, even if you plan a date for that Saturday (and plan to do it then!), the girl is still feeling scorned. Women have long been taught to maintain an air of chastity, and putting their most prized asset on the table (their sex), only to be rejected – and believe me, no matter how good your reason is, she’s going to feel rejected – is a primal insult to her. Obviously I’m not suggesting you have to take to bed every woman who wants to have sex with you, but if the both of you are interested, attracted, aroused, of sane mind & body and want to have sex with each other, then there is no reason to wait. Clearly the interest is there, so there is no worry that anything was ‘rushed.’
If your fear is that she’ll go to bed with you once, then disappear, then you need to examine where you are going wrong. Quite often guys will parade themselves as they imagine women would like them to be, wearing a social mask, saying ‘the right things at the right times.’ What happens in these cases, is either the girls will see right through you and reject you flatly up-front, or maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll buy into it & go home with you. Then, once she’s been to bed with you, and sees you for who you really are, she wants nothing to do with you because you are not the man you presented yourself to be. Let’s come back to the most popular advice given to men: Just be yourself. What does that really mean? It doesn’t mean that you, exactly the way you are now is enough to be attractive and interesting to the girls you desire, it simply means you have to stop pretending to be something you’re not! If you are not good enough as you are, then strive to be, change, grow, learn and make yourself the way you want to be, but for goodness sake – quit faking it. It’s awful. It only leads you down an empty and lonely path. Superficial complacency disguised as happiness.
Now lastly, if you are worried that if you take her to bed, she’s not going to be satisfied with you sexually, which is why she wont call again – then change that. Read everything you can. Watch instructional videos, research technique. Learn everything you can, and seriously guys, even if you are only 5% better than the average guy, you’re probably going to be the best sex she’s ever had. Seriously.
I was hoping to have this posted yesterday, Wednesday, in time for hump day, but, well, I was too busy humping 
Happy Humping!
Violet xox
Tags: Last Minute Resistance, LMR, one night stand, Sex, slut
April 15th, 2010 at 12:49 am
I like this artical , i have a freind who had slept with his girl the first night and he dident respect her , i said ur not judging yourself but you are judging her why ? double standerds . But then a girl plays hard to get and he thinks she is a bitch lolz some people are seriously limited . I hve turned girls down because i was wasted and to be honest i have penis troubles after to much alcohol lolz . I find that being real has helped me alot , i see so many people put up a fasarde fake self and some girl likes them but runs from the guy after finding who he really is ive being myself and she wants to be around me so why put a fake self up i mean if someone doesent like u for who u are who cares its their issue . This whole pick up artist stuff is saying men are not ok in who they are screw that its all about self acceptance i think .
April 15th, 2010 at 4:36 am
I think a lot of the men who said no, they would not have sex with a girl on the first night, would/do actually do so, when the situation does arise.
April 15th, 2010 at 7:14 am
Violet… you’re an incredibly good writer. Very well written, easy to follow and fun!
I always look forward to your stuff!
Cheers
– Adam
April 15th, 2010 at 7:45 am
Hey Violet,
I like what you had to say on the subject. I think this also follows the whole “Girls you fuck, and girls you marry” idea, which is an absolute load of crap. Why wouldn’t you want to keep a woman around because she slept with you on a first date? You should consider yourself blessed to know you have sexual compatibility, which is too often overlooked!
I’ll say it often – the world would be a much better place if men didn’t project their BS insecurities onto women.
April 17th, 2010 at 4:13 pm
When I was younger, I was so programmed to be the “good girl”…so petrified to be labeled a “slut” that I never allowed myself to live (or have great sex!). Just reading your scenarios was exhausting…what a waste of energy to over-think things. I used to do this constantly! If you’re attracted to someone and it feels good, enjoy each other! That’s what life is all about. Being liberated and independent is amazing…I wish it for everybody.
April 20th, 2010 at 10:46 am
i ve being thinking about this quite a lot since violet asked the question on facebook (to those who dont know violet and myself had a rather heated debate about this)
anyways i ve being thinking about social proramming in different cultures and i ve thought about what’s accepted in certain countries and what is frowned upon, im from england and us english are quite conservative we like to keep talk about sex and sexual habits and preference to a minimum and we like to label people a bit too much!